#( if y'all don't know what this song is referencing just look for the life in pink thread )

[fmdjulien]

↠ on the record: nirvana.

november 12, 2017 gold star media building, practice room #4 link to song: [ x ] [ x ]

when it comes to julien shin’s music, unplugged and emotionally raw weren’t accurate adjectives used to describe his releases. each song that had his name on it was paid an immense amount of attention to, from the opening notes to the gradual fade at the close. everything was looked over meticulously and polished to perfection, because if there was anything that julien wanted to convey to fans and non-fans alike, it was that he was the epitome of perfection. it wasn’t just something that he integrated into his performing once he signed his contract with gold star media; even as a teenager that posted song covers on his youtube channel with nothing but a macbook pro and a lot of free time on his hands, julien spent several hours and takes on each video he uploaded. practiced, polished, precise, and perfect were the descriptors he aimed for, something that was ingrained in him from the get go. at this point, it’s expected of julien to give the cover festival a similar type of content as the things he’s released thus far. 

but when gold star’s golden boy enters the practice room dressed simply in a flannel button-down and cuffed jeans with a pair of horn-rimmed glasses resting atop the bridge of his nose, a clean and polished performance is not even on his radar. the practice room is small and sparsely furnished, with nothing but a piano, studio microphone, video camera, and mood lighting. when julien was asked a few days ago to list what he needed for his cover recording, management expected more from him than what he requested, but didn’t question it; if anything, he was the artist they were the least worried about, despite his manager’s concerns about his behavior as of late. after he locked the door to the rehearsal room behind him, julien approached the piano that was moved to the middle of the room, taking a few moments to power on the camera and microphone that was within arm’s reach. a couple more minutes passed as he pulled out the piano bench before taking a seat and making minor adjustments, but it was only a short amount of time until he was ready to go. while there was a tired look on his face, julien spent a few seconds concentrating on looking and feeling a bit more lively before finally feeling ready. reaching a hand out, his fingers brushed against the plastic buttons before pressing the one with the red circle on it to begin recording. 

“hello, everyone! this is julien shin, how are you doing out there?” julien greeted, signature smile on his face as he gave a bow of his head to the camera. “ah, it’s been a while since i’ve done a video like this. it seems like ages ago i was a college student posting song covers on my youtube channel in hopes to turn my passion into something more. and now, here i am posting a song cover for the mbc cover festival.” pausing for a moment, julien lifted a hand to push up the bridge of his glasses before continuing. “you are probably thinking that this looks a bit odd for me, but i wanted to show a side of myself that you all don’t get to see often with this performance. a side that focuses less on being polished and more on sheer emotion and vulnerability... ah. it’s an honor to be able to do this for all of you, and i hope you’ll continue to share your love and support with me. without further ado...” trailing off, julien cleared his throat before averting his gaze from the camera and commencing. 

long, slender fingers danced upon the piano keys as he played the opening notes to the song. years of music lessons and practice had been enough for julien to play the song effortlessly, instead focusing on the singing and the emotion behind the singing. while he originally intended to play a song that was in korean rather than in english, the song that he had chosen was one that spoke volumes for him, more than any other song could for him at the moment. 

oh baby, oh baby, oh we both know the truth if it were the real me and you, this wouldn't be the right thing to do now the room is all hazy, we're too lost in the fumes i feel like it's just me and you, yeah we got nothing to lose

while the past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster for julien, it showed no signs of ending any time soon. as he progressed through the song, it was like he was already being transported out of the practice room and being taken somewhere else. in his head, it was no longer mid-november, but instead early august. rather than being in the gold star media building, julien was instead somewhere much more familiar and warm to him. somewhere the felt much more like home.

it's too late to run away from it all it's too late to get away from it all i'm done with running so i give in to you

julien finds himself slow-dancing cheek to cheek with another, his arms wrapped around a set of broad shoulders. his knees are weak, a result of his nerves and the liquor making its way into his bloodstream to leave him lightheaded and warm. the husky voice croons lyrics to him in the language of love as julien’s fingers crawl up the nape of the other’s neck to slip into coffee-colored hair. their eyes meet mere moments later after the other finishes his song, and julien leans in to take a chance, pure desire and liquid courage fueling him as their lips meet until he’s left breathless and emotional.

this moment has caused a reaction resulting in our reattachment

will you take me to nirvana? i don't think this will last but you're here in my arms

they’re no longer in the living room dancing in circles, julien’s lightheaded intoxication being replaced with a splitting headache and a soon to be splitting heart. he’s sitting in a bed that’s familiar but isn’t his, sheets pooled at his hips and torso bare as he stares at the other across the room, his gaze meeting eyes full of regret at the seemingly unfortunate turn of events. julien can feel his throat closing up, his breath catching and his stomach twisting into knots. he closes his eyes, instead turning to the microphone and focusing on it instead of the other electronic device recording him just within arm’s reach. 

oh baby, oh baby, oh, we both feel the same i'm not gonna give you my name and i don't think you want that to change we're in this together, we don't know who we are even if it's moving too fast, baby we should take it too far

things aren’t quite the same after that night. subtle glances and caring touches now warrant a second thought, and uttered words are now being looked at in a different light. conversations barely go past small talk, and julien feels like he’s been shut out. it’s like the last time the pair had a falling out, which frustrates him beyond belief. he pushes and pulls, trying to get through to the other, but is met with radio silence. text messages are left on ‘read’, front doors are left unanswered. it’s not the first time this has happened, but this time around it hurts a thousand times more. it’s like julien becomes selfish for once and it blows up in his face, but he’s lost the most important person to him in the process.

it's too late to run away from it all it's too late to get away from it all i'm done with running so I give in to you

he’s transported again once more, this time working his way forward in time to just a few weeks ago. they’re no longer home; the namsan tower on the hilly skyline is replaced with the tokyo tower in the middle of a metropolis. the familiar bedroom is instead replaced with a hotel room, pillows and sheets and clothes in complete disarray as a result of anguish. this time around, julien is shouting, eyes bloodshot and welling up with tears he didn’t even know he had left in him. it’s only a few moments later that he goes too far and gets kicked out of the room in the middle of it all, but the other’s gaze is still the same as before, full of regret. it’s the last thing he sees before he leaves the hotel and heads straight to the dome for tech rehearsal.

this moment has caused a reaction resulting in our reattachment

will you take me to nirvana? i don't think this will last but you're here in my arms

julien is transported back to seoul and this time around it’s a flashback to the night before. he’s now in a bc entertainment practice room with two other males; one is the person he’s trying to reach out to, the other is the poor, unfortunate soul that has to deal with the tension that fills the room to the brim. he wants to cry in frustration, wants to shove the other up against a wall and refuse to let go until his words make it through to the other. he wants things to be good between them again, wants to clear the air and let his thoughts be known. but doing so won’t quite work out for him just yet. he’s already messed up, he’s already worried that whatever they have won’t last, but he wants to try. julien just needs the other to open up again. and that’s the difficult part

will you take me to nirvana? i don't think this will last but you're here in my arms.

by the end of the song, julien’s mind is back in the present, returned to the practice room in the gold star building. there’s something about his voice in this performance that was much different from his usual modus operandi. something much more emotional. vulnerable. raw. as if he was not simply singing the words because he enjoyed the song, but because he felt the words. and he could. as he finishes the final chords of the song, he lets the notes fade out before lifting his foot off the pedal of the piano and exhaling. clearing his throat, julien finally opens his eyes to gaze at the camera again, not realizing that his eyes had started to tear up during the song. “ah...” julien started, ears starting to head up as he let out a soft and nervous laugh, "thank you, everyone, for listening. i hope you’ll watch and enjoy the mbc song festival. this is julien shin, signing off.” with a wave and another polite bow of his head, he reaches out again to press the record button once more, ending the filming. 

when there’s nothing but silence in the room, julien lets the rest of his anguish escape.

word count: 1,626